Behind Blue Eyes
by Mad Childe Dru
Summary: Buffy learns some not so nice things about Angel from Spike.


Spoilers: Up to and including The Body. In this fic, Harmony is gone already. Also, AU Angel up to and including Redefinition.

Author's Note: The song lyrics are from the BtVS episode "Where the Wild Things Are", and song of the Spike talkage is from the episode "Crush" only how I would've used the words:)

Behind Blue Eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man,

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

The rain poured out of the heavens as all of existence wept. His limp body lay in a saturated heap near the entrance to his crypt. His face was buried in one hand, the other gripping what was left of his bourbon. Slowly, he turned his face up to the sky, allowing the downpour to mix with the tears streaming down his cheeks. After a moment, his head fell to the earth again and his body wracked with sobs.

This was the kind of night his Black Rose would've loved; All soggy with no one to stop you from wreaking a little havoc_...Yep, Dru would've loved tonight..._

He released his hold on the bourbon to bring his legs up close to his chest, curled in the fetal position. He was whimpering now...and it all sounded bloody pathetic, but he didn't care. She was gone. She had left him for good.

Slowly...so slowly, he dragged himself through the open door of the crypt. Somehow, he managed to kick the door mostly shut behind him until only a sliver of the night air was able to seep through. Wearily, he watched through half-closed eyes at the water leaking through the crack that the door had left open. He remembered a night like this_...before Sunnydale...before that bloody curse...before...Her own sire..._

Again, the tears spilled over and he shut his eyes and his senses to the pain. Praying in thanks to whatever God was still acknowledging his existence, Spike allowed the merciful blackness to envelop him.

**********

"Spike! I need you t- Oh my GOD!" Buffy ran towards the limp figure near the sarcophagus. As she dropped to her knees beside Spike's body and leaned forward to lay her hand on his lax shoulder before pulling away in disgust.

"My God, Spike! You smell like a brewery." She rocked back on the balls of her feet as he struggled into consciousness.

"Bullocks..." he slipped out a string of obscenities as he sat up and then gazed at her through slitted, unseeing eyes before turning around to curl up against the base of the sarcophagus again,

"Whoever the bleedin' hell you are, you are cordially invited to sod off..."he muttered before adding, "...wanker..." for good measure.

Buffy glowered at him, "Nap times over, Spikey. Wake the hell up, I need information." Belying his drunken state, he whipped around to face her, eyes flashing gold,

"You want information, sweetcheeks!?" He sneered, either not noticing or not caring who he was addressing, "How 'bout this then? Your pouncy bugger of an ex has been busy in L.A. torturing my own ex along with his original squeeze. Then, when he had enough, just for fun I'd assume, he locked them both in a secluded area, made sure it was secure and let them starve until the bloodlust had consumed them both and they shredded each other," he continued, despite the horrified look crossing Buffy's features, "Oh, but don't let me forget that in the end he was _merciful_," he spit the word out as he choked over it, "and lit them both on fire to end it. Oh yeah, he's doin' a bang up job with that whole redemption bit," Spike finished bitterly.

The room harbored a deathly silence, each of its occupants basking in the solitude of their own misery before Buffy broke the silence. Choking out the words, she somehow managed to ask,

"Is that true? Or is this just another way for you to my life miserable?"

He snorted in reply, eyes clouded with rage, "I wish..." He stood abruptly and offered her a hand up, "I wish it was all just a game but it's not...it's all true." He held her hand for a few more brief moments once she stood next to him before letting it drop.

Buffy gazed at him for a minute, noting his haggard appearance and the fresh pain in his stormy blue eyes, before turning away to try and cope with her own pain.

"But...why? I mean, why would he do that...?" She shook her head, eyes roving the crypt for some kind of explanation for her once lover's actions. She could sense Spike moving behind her as he hoisted himself up to perch on the edge of the sarcophagus.

"You 'aven't 'eard the half of it," he slipped a cigarette between his lips and took a deep breath of the blessed nicotine before continuing, "When Drusilla first turned Darla back," he held up a hand at her questioning gaze and open mouth, "Long story, ducks. I'll try to give you the Reader's Digest version. Basically, Darla got mojo back from the beyond by these lawyer gits tryin' to make Angel lose his bleedin' soul again-"

"I knew it!" Buffy interrupted, hefting herself up to join Spike on the sarcophagus and pulling her legs into an Indian style, "Lawyers _are _the true evil!" She used her two index fingers as makeshift horns by her forehead and Spike chuckled.

"Yep. Looks like we found out what Satan's day job is." They both shared a laugh and sat for a moment in companionable silence before Buffy prodded the issue.

"So...these lawyers brought back Darla..."

"Yep, only they brought her back human. So Drusilla found her and turned her again and they were goin' to try to bring Angelus back," he paused and set a comforting hand on her shoulder when she lowered her head, "Hey, luv, they didn't if that's what you're worried about," he waited until Buffy had wiped away the fresh tears and was looking at him again before he continued, "So, anyway, they ended up goin' to the very lawyers who had brought back Darla and decidin' to massacre the whole lot...only Angel showed up...but..." he stopped, wondering if he should tell Buffy the whole story or not.

She noticed his inner-debate and did her best to reassure him, "Tell me. Everything. Don't worry, it can't be any worse than what he did to Drusilla and Darla." She regretted that comment as soon as it was out, as a pained looked crossed Spike's features and this time he lowered his gaze from hers.

Without thinking, Buffy repositioned herself and pulled Spike into her arms, resting his head on her shoulder while he started crying, "I'm so sorry, Spike. I didn't mean to... I-I'm sorry," she continued to murmur in his ear while she rubbed his back.

A moment later a teary-eyed Spike looked up, locked eyes with her, and gave her a watery smile, "You must think I'm a real pounce," he wanly remarked. She smiled in reply and leaned back.

"Actually, I think this is the first time in...um...ever that I haven't thought you were a major asshole." He smiled genuinely at that comment.

"I'm not all evil ya' know..." There was that unique look that only Buffy could pull off, "Ok, ok! I _am _all evil...just not all the time." This time she smiled at him.

Again, the pair was silent for a few moments while Spike recomposed himself. He cleared his throat before speaking and Buffy watched him attentively, "Uh...when...when Angel got there...he found Dru and Darla in that room with those lawyers only...only, instead of gettin' 'em out, he locked them in..." He trailed off and looked to see how it would affect Buffy. He had expected more tears to be trailing their way down her cheeks, but instead found her shaking her head in sad resignation.

"I just can't believe he's doing those things....I mean...how-" She trailed off again, and let the comfortable silence overtake the crypt again before suddenly turning to Spike.

"You know what we need?" He stared at her suspiciously, "What?"

"My mom's hot chocolate, that's what." She slipped off the sarcophagus and tugged on his hand until he joined her, "C'mon, Spike. Let's go drown our sorrows." He grinned at her, "Has anyone ever told you that you're a very peculiar girl..."

She smiled sadly, "Only once...but he bailed before I could prove otherwise. You on the other hand," she slipped her arm around his as they walked through the cemetery, "Aren't goin' anywhere. Guess I'll just have to show ya' how normal I can be." They both smiled at each other as the pain of previous conversations eased.

The duo had almost reached the entrance of the cemetery when two vampires jumped out of nowhere. Buffy pulled away from Spike and produced a pair of stakes, seemingly from thin air, before rushing at the first one and making quick work of him.

Turning to flip the other vampire over her shoulder, she embedded the second stake into his chest before he had hit the ground and then brushed herself off before rejoining Spike.

"Oh yeah, pet. You're a real normal one, you are." She swatted him in response, "Hey! Watch it. Keep it up and Mr. Pointy'll have your name on it!" She tried for a menacing expression but Spike burst into laughter.

"Mr. Pointy?" He managed to gasp out, earning him another smack on the arm. "You got beef with Mr. Pointy?" She asked, raising an eyebrow in his direction.

He raised both hands in surrender, "Of course not. 'E's got me shakin' in m'boots!" She made a face and grabbed his hand again, dragging him from the cemetery.

"Yer darn tootin'!" Both burst into a fit of laughter this time and they walked on in silence towards Buffy's home, arms linked.

"You know, pet, they say of love that...no other pleasures are worth its pains..."

"Who says that?" She questioned thoughtfully.

"Ralph Waldo Emerson."

Buffy was quiet for a moment before she responded, "Do...do you think that's true? That love is worth all that pain?"

They stopped on the walk in front of Buffy's house and Spike ran a hand through his short, bleached hair, "It has to be."

"Yeah...but...why?"

"Because, luv, if it doesn't ever hurt then you don't appreciate it when you find someone who loves you without causing all that hurt."

She kicked at the ground and grumbled, "Could've told me that before Riley."

Spike took a deep breath and reached out to lift her chin with his fingertips so their eyes locked, "No, pet. Capt- err...Riley, wasn't worth all that. In the end he hurt you, too. You deserve someone who'll keep you from all that, luv."

Buffy gasped at his words. Not so much the words...but the way that when he said "luv"...it sounded an awful lot like... _no. _She looked away, running a nervous tongue over her lips.

"Um...thanks, Spike." They were silent again, this time with an air of tension hanging around them. Spike let his arms dangle at his sides, defeated.

Buffy motioned towards the door, "Uh...we should probably get inside for that cup of cocoa." She began moving towards the door, but Spike's words stopped her.

No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

"Buffy," His eyes bore into her, "I know...I know you think I'm a monster and that's all I'll ever be...but...luv, I'm not like him. I'm not like Angelus. I could never be. And having a soul...that doesn't change anything. You can make the choice whether or no-"

"Spike," She took a step closer, cutting him off, "You and I know that's not true. You're a vampire...Yeah, you've got the chip going for you, but that's not the same. You're not making a choice, you're being forced into this." She withdrew when she saw the hurt in his eyes.

Long, silent moments passed. To both, they seemed an eternity.

When he spoke, his voice was gruff and tears were running down his cheeks again, "Do you have any idea what it's like to just be expected to live this life." She didn't answer, "I mean, do you really have any idea? Everyone hates me. You lot.....even my own kind because of everything I've done lately. And you just condemn me before you even hear me out."

But my dreams, they aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours only lonely

My love is vengeance

She interrupted now, needing to block those words and the sense they were making out, "what could you possibly say to convince me? You are a killer, Spike."

He moved in, dangerously close, "No, Buffy. That's what you need to let go of. Angel worked a real number on you."

"He has noth-"

He continued despite her protests, "Yes Buffy! That has everything to do with it. You might think that all every soulless creature is is a killer, but you're wrong, luv! It's...it's like..." He spun away from her, needing distance from that glow.

"It's like this, luv. Back during World War II, do you have any idea how many people were killed?"

"Is this a story of the Spike & Drusilla Gore-Olympics, because then I don't wanna hear about it," she turned away in revulsion at the idea, but in two steps he was beside her again and had spun her around to face him.

"It has nothing to do with me and that's the point! All those people died! And why? Because of who? Not some demon. Not some Hell-God...not a vampire. Because of a human...with a soul. Souls don't give you jack, except for an easy way out. Yeah, it makes you have an empty conscience, but, luv, that's not what makes you evil. It makes it easy to choose that road, but you can choose that other road, too."

He paused, gazing into her tear-filled eyes, "And maybe the reason you couldn't except that was because of, Angel. But, Buffy, now you know that even with a soul he's done some things that...that you can't forgive. You know that as well as I do. It doesn't take a soul. You have to look past the demon...and see the man. It wasn't the demon that locked those lawyers up, it was Angel. The man."

He stepped back and took a few deep breaths before continuing, "And the thing is Buffy...he did hurt you. He left, too. But you were right before when you said I wasn't goin' anywhere. I'm stayin' and...and it's because of you," She sucked in a deep breath at his words.

"How can you....how can you be in love with me? It...it's impossible."

Spike barked out a laugh, "Would seem that way wouldn't it...but I can't help it, luv. You haunt my dreams. You're all I think about day and night. I just...I can't help it...I'm drownin' in you, Summers." His eyes pleaded with her, "And it's killin' me. I go out night after night and hunt down my own kind just so I don't have to worry that whatever I kill tonight comin' after you. And every day I sit in that crypt and all I can think about is you. You're in my head...you're in my throat...you're in my gut...you're all I bloody think about."

She stared at him in wonder. "And I know that there'll be some pains with this pleasure," He stepped in and slowly reached up to traced his fingers along the side of her face, surprised when she didn't pull away from his touch, "But, Buffy, luv..." He gather his courage and leaned down so his lips were just barely touching hers and whispered, "Wouldn't it be worth it? For love?" He basked in her warmth just a moment longer before pulling away and turning his back to her.

"If you show up to stake me later on...I'll understand." He began walking away, the hope he previously felt ebbing away to fear and uncertainty when she didn't stop him.

"Spike!" He spun to face her just in time as she launched herself into his arms, "Maybe...maybe it would be worth it." She gazed up at him even as the tears spilled down her cheeks and he lovingly brushed them away, his own tears flowing.

Leaning down, his lips lightly brushed over hers again, "I swear it will be, luv."

END


End file.
